Overwhelming Feelings....

Motherhood is a mishmash of feelings. Ones of joy, of guilt, of confusion, and mostly love. It is an overwhelming position, this thing we call parenting. We are asked to put aside our daily desires and needs in order to care completely for someone else. It is demanding and never ending. And I'm only at the beginning....

I had hoped my years as a nurse would come in handy as a mother. I thought I can change a diaper and talk on the phone at the time...no problem. I have spent years without sleep working night shifts...I can handle this. Then reality hits. You read countless books and articles about everything you should be doing. You take advice from everyone, including strangers on the street. And still you second guess yourself. You look at your child everyday thinking, Am I doing this right? Am I going to screw things up forever? What if I get this wrong? How can I do this better? You could lose countless hours pondering all these thoughts.

Just when I'm at my wit's end, I reach back and remember the good always outweighs the bad. When I'm concerned over the baby weight I remember my friend who is struggling with infertility and am thankful I have baby weight. When I think of all the aches and pains, I remember my patients who suffer from such deep depression they feel nothing. And I am reminded everyday that motherhood is miracle. That is a blessing that children are made and somehow make it to this world. When I am completely frustrated, I remember my dear, dear friend who only got to hold her sweet baby after he had left this world and squeeze mine just a little tighter.
So maybe I will screw this up. Maybe my baby will never sleep through the night, who knows? The point is, we try. Mothers get up every morning and try. And trying is what counts.
So to all the mothers...you're wonderful. Keep trying...keep loving...keep going.

Long nights and Fireworks

This Fourth of July marked our first celebration as a family. As we gathered on our blanket under the stars I marveled at how blessed we truly are. I could think of a million things I was thankful for:

The explosions over our heads were those of celebration, not war.

We could lay together as a family and not have to worry about safety or harm.

As a woman, I was free to speak what thoughts came into my head and wear what clothing I choose. I was free to choose my own activities without permission from others. I was free to be with the man I loved and have children when I felt the time was right.

There was no fear that my thoughts towards politics or religion could be punished.

All these thoughts and more raced through my head as Yankee Doodle Dandy played in the background and red lights danced overhead. Perhaps it's not cool to be patriotic these days, but let us all be thankful.

Let us all be thankful that we live in a country where debate is used to settle arguments and not guns.

Let us be thankful that the very government and laws we rally against are the very ones that allow us to have voices.

Let us all be thankful we have voice and an ability to participate in our destiny.

Let us be thankful to the men and women who have sacrificed to get us here.

Let us be thankful we are here to celebrate a country that gives us these very rights.

Happy Fourth of July